Next April You'll Have Liver Cancer--the Pig Brain Type

明年四月你会得肝癌症，猪脑类型的。

Last night I had a terrible dream, which woke me up. I dreamed that I went to the hospital to check my brain (for what reason I don't remember now). The doctor has such a bad memory that he always forgets things (e.g. mixing up people's names), but the nurse was a capable lady--and outspoken, too. By the time my results were ready the doctor couldn't remember or find it (of course!), so I asked a technician, who did the test and knew the result. He told me I have to take medication (not a good sign). LS and I were on the way to see my father, who is also admitted to the hospital, when we walked pass the nurse, who told me the devastating news: I will have cancer next April. "Pig brain type," she added.

I remember being shocked and standing there with LS, who is also shocked. "What?!" She said. The nurse just stood there, apperently remembering that she probably shouldn't break the news to us in such a casual way. She wanted to say something, but she didn't.

Two things went through my mind immediately: 1) they must have discovered my liver cancer by the way of examining my brain, 2) the cancer must have spread to my brain already. For a moment, my head feels like it was hit by a brick. My heart probably skipped a beat, and if there were something I was holding (e.g. a coffee cup), I would have definately dropped it on the floor.

The next thing I remember is I gain some conciousness, realizing that it was a dream, but I was not yet completely awake. Then I thought I need to create a blog to write things down for my son, who is much too young now to understand anything, so he can read it when he grows up. Thanks to Steve Jobs who gave me this idea in his speech when he was talking about death.

Then my wife woke up. It was around 2:30 a.m. We laid there and had a long talk about my dream and other things that have been troubling us lately. One thing we agreed was to get my annual physical, ASAP.

I think God is using this to shake me up a little. I've been free-falling and keep setting record lows. Although, I know God's love is deep enough that no one can fall through it. Faith is about the only thing I have these days in my struggling spiritual life. I pray that God will catch me on the fall and lift me up again. He must. I only don't know if this was it.

When I got up this morning, I felt much better. Things were so gloomy these days I remember asking God to make this the last day of my life. (Take heart, I never want to kill myself. I only asked God to take me home.) Yesterday I asked God to make this day the first day of a brand new life for me. I finally understand what the old pastor meant by 'start all over again.' In God we can. I only don't know if this was it.

Time will tell!

I need to get an appointment for the physical now. Who knows what it would reveal; and who knows what will happen next April.

Pig brain type?!