陳維齡

心曲三迴（創作「媽媽的喜歡」的心路歷程）

【啞歌/吉他老爹/鄒昌富】

如果故事一開始，就必需淺吟低迴地唱一首歌，唱一段久已塵封的「童年往事」，我想我也許該套用詩人余光中的「民歌手」吧！ 

給我一張鏗鏘的吉他/一肩風裡飄飄的長髮
給我一個回不去的家/一個遠遠的記憶叫從前 

乘著歌聲的翅膀，飛回記憶中三十年前的花蓮！那個早已變成「走不回的江湖」，也是一個「回不去的家」。雖然它的確是「生我的土地，懷我的搖籃」有我的父、我的母、也有著青蛙、和草、和泥土……


 一迴：哀歌

傳說中，那稱為我父親的男子是從烽火裡走出來，是浪子也是軍人，帶著一顆過客的心，隨政府撤退至台灣，原以為旋即便可以返鄉的，未料在花蓮一落腳就生了根，隨後又擁有一群「生不由衷」的孩子。

悲劇於焉開始，且是一幕接著一幕……

我不知道是 不是每個所謂錯謬的結合，都必定導致一個悲劇的收場？我真的不知道，因我不信宿命，我也不信事事都能源溯於因果且合乎邏輯。我只知道一件事，當時的我是既愛他又恨他—我的父親。愛他，是天性使然；雖然記憶中的他總是那樣嚴苛且易怒，令人畏懼三分。恨他，則因他生性嗜酒好賭，常悔而不改，至終造成家庭破碎！且妻離子散不久的他，也終於一場婚宴醉酒後的車禍中身亡。從此我失去一位永遠不再能愛、能恨的父親！而那一天，正就是民國五十五年的母親節，一個父母原本於仳離半載後意欲復合再婚的日子，未料竟成為我們作兒女的黑色夢魘與哀歌。身為長子的我，於次日親手盍上父親瞪視的雙眼，也親眼目睹他在焚屍爐中化為灰燼……那年，大姊才剛升初三，我初一，之下有個八歲的小弟。而母親終究還 是走了！帶著大弟和大妹。

就當時的我而言，母親的出走與改嫁是意味著背叛鄒家，亦是一個不能原諒並接受的事實！然而就她而言，一個十七歲就被外公逼嫁於父親的弱女子，如今想來，又何嘗不是一種解脫與幸福呢？是錯誤？是悲哀？套上那個年代大人常說的話：「大人的事，小孩子不要管。」是的，管不著也不能管！然而所有因此而導致的苦果，卻似乎不得不讓每個無辜的孩子分嚐。


二迴：啞歌

在讀書、繪畫、看武俠小說，以及偶而翹家中，讀完初中，為了逃避現實環境與自己，我在聯考放榜後，投進了一個全然與我性格、喜好完全相反的學府－陸軍官校預備學生班(現在的中正國防預校)，當時我的成績不差，但身體太弱(當時體重只有44公斤，且早有胃疾和十二指腸潰瘍)好在口試時表現不錯，也就那麼一 筆的帶過了。

從幼校到官校，七年的歲月，我走過一段漫長艱澀的心路。除了要適應外在文武兼備的軍事教育外，還得學習在我那方寸內，做各樣的自我調適與突破，很自然的，我開始涉獵許多文、哲、心理學之類的書籍，加上寫詩、彈吉他，生活似乎顯得充實且多采。在努力遺忘過去和策勵未來之間，我顧不得同學與長官投來的異樣眼光；長久以來，人際關係不佳，導致我更加的孤獨和寂寞。

然後，又接觸不少相命和卜卦與玄學類的東西，日子逐漸深陷而緊縮，只因為我開始對生命產生了極大的困惑與不解。生命的答案何處尋？文學裡的風花雪月，不能滿足我，哲學中的思辨推理，不能激勵我，甚至心理學也不能剖析我的內在問題，治癒創傷……

在自我防衛的心理下，雖曾有人向我傳基督的福音，但我也不屑的 拒絕了；驕傲卻又是脆弱的心靈，還不死心的想靠自己闖出一條活路來；不承認有神，卻又懼怕的深信有鬼，如聖經中所說的：「有一條路，人以為正，至終成為死亡之路。」又說：「立志行善由得我，只是行出來由不得我……我真是苦啊！誰能救我脫離這取死的肉體呢？」

官校三年級那年，我嚐試學習從「內太空」的世界轉向「外太空」也瘋、也玩，似乎是豁達多了，暑假還冒險去爬了一次奇萊山，而且就差點喪命在山上。

依然是逞強好勝，依然不能諒解那位懷我、生我的母親……，那年她帶著妹妹南下考試，順道(其實猜得出是專程)來學校看我，但我除了客套的陪她走完一圈校園外，什麼也不願多說，甚至連叫一聲母親都不肯。及至她傷心地走了，我還以為自己爭贏了什麼，儘管自知是一種病態的報復心理，卻仍 舊不斷壓抑自己內心深處的真實情感！執意以形同陌路的冷峻姿態來折磨對方，令一個同樣是婚姻受害者卻又被先父冠上「拋夫棄子」的母親一生愧疚！

豈料也在那一年，那位視我如己出的義父因身罹絕症而綿惙床榻，面對一位瀕死歸主的老人，我整個心都碎了，除了頻頻從心中哭喊著「為什麼，為什麼？」之外，別無他是，人的愛和一切的錢財，竟不能救一個人脫離死亡？！

而他，卻異常平靜的伸出僅剩皮骨的右手，示意要我到他的床邊；透過一位基督徒弟兄的解說，才知道他要為我祝福禱告！是的，那是自我父親死後最悲痛的一個日子，然而也在一天，我承受了一個最美也最大的祝福：「孩子！願你有一天也能相信我所信的基督耶穌，祂將永遠賜福給你！」他是真的走了，而我也因此徹底的崩潰下來。

同時， 四年級的那一整年裡，一個淒美的愛情來了，又逝去，加上舊疾復發，我終於在畢業前夕，也就是我二十三歲生日的第二天，我悄然地走出了那原不屬於我的江湖，軍官的美夢破滅了，而我必須走進另一個我從不承認的家……


三迴：讚美歌

民國六十九年十月的一次民歌演唱會，地點在國父紀念館。我緊張地抱著吉他，準備在前面的歌手唱完之後登台演唱。我知道我要唱的是什麼，也知道台下坐的有我的家人和母親，只是我一直不敢相信這個事實－當我在台大醫院完成我的二度切除手術之後(十二指腸和三分之二的胃)，我竟然因信主而完全接納了母親，更接納了我自己，因而當天對我而言，不僅是一個「告別民歌」的演出，同時更是「向憎恨與死亡揮別」的見證。

當時我的心情是充滿喜悅而感激的，我的思緒飛掠過一幕幕童年的往事，彷彿當時我是立在雲端之上，雲下雖曾有過風雨斷腸，而雲上的太陽，卻依舊耀眼燦爛！於是我徐徐地唱著：

小小時候，有好多喜歡！
喜歡問山是怎麼綠的？
喜歡問海是怎麼藍的？
還有那星星是誰家的流螢？
祇有媽媽說：傻娃娃！
山是因為希望而綠的，
海是因它的理想而深藍，
星星是夜神最美麗的眼睛。
長大後，我才明瞭，
媽媽只有一個喜歡，
喜歡她兒女能在愛中成長、茁壯，
有踏實的人生，
這樣的喜歡，是豐富的愛，
遠綠過青山，深藍過海…

雖我在眼淚中看不清母親的面容，但我深信一件事，就是神已經用祂那無比的愛，將我們母子的心都給溶化在一起了。正如經上所說：「神就是愛，住在愛裡面，就是住在神裡面…愛既完全就把懼怕除去了……」

感謝神！因著這 完全的愛，使我得著釋放與赦免，使我能對生命更真切地讚美與稱頌！因為祂誠然成為我的力量,

我的詩歌, 並也是我的拯救。

神就是愛! 愛就是神 ! 這愛更是~~~永~不~止~息




演唱：莊惠年、鄒昌富

トイレの神様 / 植村花菜

小３の頃からなぜだか
おばあちゃんと暮らしてた
実家の隣だったけど
おばあちゃんと暮らしてた

毎日お手伝いをして
五目並べもした
でもトイレ掃除だけ苦手な私に
おばあちゃんがこう言った

トイレには　それはそれはキレイな
女神様がいるんやで
だから毎日　キレイにしたら　女神様みたいに
べっぴんさんになれるんやで
　
　
その日から私はトイレを
ピカピカにし始めた
べっぴんさんに絶対なりたくて
毎日磨いてた

買い物に出かけた時には　二人で鴨なんば食べた
新喜劇録画し損ねたおばあちゃんを
泣いて責めたりもした

トイレには　それはそれはキレイな
女神様がいるんやで
だから毎日　キレイにしたら　女神様みたいに
べっぴんさんになれるんやで
　
　
少し大人になった私は　おばあちゃんとぶつかった
家族ともうまくやれなくて　居場所がなくなった

休みの日も家に帰らず　彼氏と遊んだりした
五目並べも鴨なんばも　二人の間から消えてった

どうしてだろう　人は人を傷付け
大切なものをなくしてく
いつも味方をしてくれてた　おばあちゃん残して
ひとりきり　家離れた
　
　
上京して２年が過ぎて
おばあちゃんが入院した
痩せて　細くなってしまった
おばあちゃんに会いに行った

「おばあちゃん、ただいまー！」ってわざと
昔みたいに言ってみたけど　ちょっと話しただけだったのに
「もう帰りー。」って　病室を出された
　
　
次の日の朝　　おばあちゃんは
静かに眠りについた

まるで　まるで　私が来るのを
待っていてくれたように

ちゃんと育ててくれたのに　恩返しもしてないのに
いい孫じゃなかったのに
こんな私を待っててくれたんやね
　
　
トイレには　それはそれはキレイな
女神様がいるんやで
おばあちゃんがくれた言葉は　今日の私を
べっぴんさんにしてくれてるかな

トイレには　それはそれはキレイな
女神様がいるんやで
だから毎日　キレイにしたら　女神様みたいに
べっぴんさんになれるんやで
　
　
気立ての良いお嫁さんになるのが
夢だった私は
今日もせっせとトイレを　ピーカピカにする

おばあちゃん
おばあちゃん　ありがとう
おばあちゃん
ホンマに
ありがとう

鄭焙隆

台灣的Paul Simon Bob Dylan!

The moment when the dragon is slain

Woz on SJ

Last week, in the course of reporting articles for Newsweek on the death of Steve Jobs, I spent two hours on the phone with Steve Wozniak, Apple’s co-founder. Woz reminisced about his friendship with 16-year-old Steve Jobs, their early days listening to Dylan bootlegs and what it was like as Apple took off. He recalled the times when they disagreed — but never, ever had a face-to-face fight or argument, he insists — and why he believes that Steve died happy. Woz told me about the early days when he and Steve were going door-to-door in the dorm rooms at Berkeley selling blue boxes, illegal electronic devices that let people make free long-distance phone calls. He told me about a prank call they made to the Vatican, and about getting robbed at gunpoint. Finally, Woz revealed that, owing to some kind of miscommunication, he never participated in the forthcoming Walter Isaacson biography of Steve Jobs.

I’m publishing this here because as often happens in the world of print journalism, there was no room for all this material in Newsweek. But I’m hoping people will find it as interesting and informative as I did. (Apologies for any typos. Point them out and I will fix them.)

When I talked to Woz it was Friday morning. He was wrung out and exhausted. He’d been up until midnight on Wednesday, the day the Steve died. He slept for two hours then got up when the camera crews started showing up at 2 a.m. Thursday for the East Coast hits. He gave interviews all day Thursday, went out for dinner, and finally came home and got some sleep.

Are people coming up to you in restaurants, wanting to talk?

No, they are being polite. The waiters are always saying things. But people are holding off more than normal. Usually people come up to me when I’m out at dinner. Everyone wants to express their own emotions and feelings which are strong and deep. They look for, “Where can I express it?” I don’t want to be the focal point. But my phone was ringing constantly.

What was Steve like in the early days?

Steve was very organized and operational minded. He never tried to do any computer design stuff when I was around. He knew it was pointless. From the day we met he found other ways. I was just such a hot shot designer of things, so ahead that nobody would try to do things around me.

How did you and Steve come up with the idea for the first Apple product, the Apple I?

Oh, a lot of people saw the Apple I before Steve Jobs even knew about it. I was in the Homebrew Computer Club. Steve was up in Oregon, working at an orchard, in a commune. We were really not in touch. But I got inspired to help this revolution. People in our club thought the personal computer would affect everyone’s life. We thought everyone would have a little computer, a little thing with switches and weird numbers on it, and people would learn to program to operate a computer. We didn’t think it would be normall stuff like it turned out to be.

I never wanted to run a business. I had a perfect job for life at HP. I went to club meetings every week and I passed out my schematics for the Apple I, no copyright, nothing, just “Hey all you guys here is a cheap way to build a computer.” I would demo it on a TV set.

Then Steve Jobs came in from Oregon, and he saw what the club was about, and he saw the interest in my design. I had the only one that was really affordable. Our first idea was just to make printed circuit boards. We could make them for 20 dollars and sell them for 40 or something like that. I had given the schematics away. But Steve thought it could be a company.

This was actually our fifth product together. We always were 50-50 partners. We were best friends. We first did the blue boxes. The next one I did was I saw Pong at a bowling alley so I built my own Pong with 28 chips. I was at HP designing calculators. Steve saw Pong and ran down to Atari and showed it to them and they hired him. Whether thought he had participated in the design, I don’t know and I could not care less. They offered him a job and put him on the night shift. They said he doesn’t get along with people very well, he’s very independent minded. It rubbed against people. So they put him on the night shift alone.

Our next project was when Steve said that Nolan (Bushnell, head of Atari) wanted a one-player game with bricks that you hit out. He said we could get a lot of money if we could design it with very few chips. So we built that one and got paid by Atari.

The legend is that Steve cheated you out of some money on that deal.

The legend is true. It didn’t matter to me. I had a job. Steve needed money to buy into the commune or something. So we made Breakout and it was a half-man-year job but we did it in four days and nights. It was a very clever design.

The next project we did together was we saw a guy using a big teletype machine that cost as much as a car hooked up to a modem dialing in to the Arpanet. You could get into 12 universities and log in as a guest and do things on a far-away computer. This was unbelievable to me. I knew you could call a local time-sharing company. But to get access to university computers was incredible. So I went home and designed one myself. I designed a video terminal that could go out over the modem to Stanford and then on to the Arpanet and bring up a list of university computers.

The far-away computers would talk in letters on my TV set. Instead of paddles and balls in Pong, I put in a character generator. The terminal was very inexpensively designed. We sold it to a company called Call Computer. They now had a cheap terminal. Steve and I split the money.

Tell me about making the blue boxes.

These were counterculture days. I was anti-war. Steve was into the hippie thing too. I didn’t do it to make money but just to build a device to explore it, not to save money on phone calls. I was so honest I would not use the blue box to make long-distance calls. But if I wanted to play pranks, like route signals around the world and make them come back to the phone next to me. We did prank calls. I would call a hotel in Paris and make a reservation. At the dorms in Berkeley we would go door-to-door selling blue boxes. One hundred and fifty bucks was the price.

Did you really once call the Vatican and pretend to be Henry Kissinger?

Yes, I did. We were doing a demo of a blue box in a dorm room. I called Italy, then asked for Rome, then asked for the Vatican. I told them I was Henry Kissinger calling from a summit meeting in Moscow. It was 5:30 in the morning in Italy. They told me to call back in an hour. I did, and I spoke to a bishop who said he had just spoken to Henry Kissinger in Moscow.

We also got robbed at gunpoint once. This was in a pizza parlor in Sunnyvale. Two guys looked like they might be interested. We took them back to a pay phone and made a call to Chicago for them. They were enamored and wanted the blue box, but they had no money. We got out to the car and they show up with a gun and stick it in Steve’s face. We gave them the blue box. But they didn’t know how to use it. They gave us a phone number to call so we could tell them how to use it. I came up with this idea of telling them a method that would get them caught by the police, or one that would get them billed. We didn’t do it. But boy it would have been funny. But you don’t want to be dealing with someone who is pointing a gun in your face.

You guys seem like an unlikely pair.

We were very similar. We would hunt through stores in Berkeley looking for Dylan bootlegs. Steve was interested in computers, and he really wanted to find a way to build a computer out of these new devices called microprocessors. He thought that someday they could replace big computers and everyone could have their own computer relatively cheap. Steve had a background working in computer stores buying stuff cheap and selling it for a lot more. I was shocked when he told me how you could buy something for 6 cents knowing he could sell it for 60 bucks. He felt that was normal and right, and I sort of didn’t. How could you do that? I was not for ripping people off. But then we started Apple and I went with the best advice which is that you should make good profit in order to grow.

Steve was willing to jump right into that. Mike Markkula was the mentor who told Steve what his role would be in Apple, and told me mine. He was the mentor who taught us how to run a company. He’s very low-key. He stays out of the press and he’s not that well-known. But he saw the genius in Steve. The passion, the excitement, the kind of thinking that makes someone a success in the world. He saw that in Steve.

Mike Markkula had worked at Intel in engineering and marketing. He really believed in marketing. He decided that Apple would be a marketing driven company. He was introduced to us by Don Valentine. Don had come to the garage and I ran the Apple II through its paces and he said, “What is the market?” I said, “A million units.” He asked me why that was and I sad, “There’s a million ham radio operators and computers are bigger than ham radio.” We didn’t quite get the formula. Steve Jobs and I had no business experience. We had taken no business classes. We didn’t have savings accounts. We had no bank accounts. I paid cash at my apartment — I had to, because of bounced checks.

Was Steve more into business than you were?

He understood the technology well enough to know that I was the best designer. He knew that. He had seen other companies and he knew that you need a businessman who understands technology. He was very much a technologist business. He wasn’t an engineer. He didn’t do any hardware or software.

Randy Wigginton told me that in the early days you were the most impressive one, not Steve Jobs.

Well I was a super brilliant engineer. HP turned down my idea for the personal computer five times. Then later when they saw the Apple II they said it was the best product they had ever seen. I was highly regarded for my engineering skills. But I never wanted money. I would have been a bad person to run a company. I wanted to be a nice guy. I wanted to make friends with everybody. Yes I came up with the idea for the personal computer but I don’t want to be known as a guy who changed the world. I want to be known as an engineer who connected chips in a really efficient way or wrote code that is unbelievable. I want to be known as a great engineer. I’m thankful Steve Jobs was there. You need someone who has a spirit for the marketplace. Who has the spirit for who computers change humanity. I didn’t design the Apple II for a company. I designed it for myself, to show off. I look at all the recent Apple products, like the iPhone, the iPad, and even Pixar, and it was like everything Steve worked on had to be perfect. Because it was him. Every product he created was Steve Jobs. You’re not going to let an imperfect you go out. That’s why he was so tight and controlling of the quality of things.

Are you surprised that Steve Jobs became this huge cultural icon? Randy said that in the early days he would never have bet on Steve becoming so important.

Nobody would have bet on it except a few rare people, ones that know that greatness and great companies come from people who have a certain kind of spirit, a way of thinking beyond what other people might think. Randy was really young in those days. So it would have been hard for him to see that. It was hard for me to spot that in Steve. But Mike Markkula spotted it. Mike really thought we would have one of the biggest companies ever.

In the early days of Apple Steve deliberately injected himself into every decision. I said, “Look if I try to pretend that I know how to do marketing, it’s better to be silent and thought a fool than open your mouth and leave no doubt.” So I sat there in staff meetings and I did what I was excellent at — printer interfaces, floppy disk interfaces, serial interfaces. I did my job. Steve wanted an important say in every division of the company. Mike defined that was Steve’s role. Get in and learn. Get a footprint in every department so over time Steve got very confident about telling anyone what to do. Because he was the founder and he was protected.

Is it true you originally didn’t want to join Apple?

I said no to Apple at first. I was philosophically pure and I always said I would not be corrupted by money. I would not take big money from Markkula and give up my dream of being an engineer at the greatest company ever, HP, for life. I said no to Apple. I said I could design computers in my spare time. Markkula said I had to leave HP. I said, “No, I don’t have to leave HP, I’ll moonlight.” Then all of my friends started calling me and telling me I had to go to Apple. My friend Alan Baum said, “You can stay at HP and become a manager and get rich or you can go to Apple and stay an engineer and get rich.” That’s what I needed to hear. I realized I don’t have to run anything. I didn’t want to run a company. I was so non political that I would have been thrown out, probably. Steve had a way of being offensive to people. He was always jumping at people always trying to be at the top and out in front. I was quiety. I never had that kind of ADHD life that so many of my friends in technology have. I was calm. No big ups and downs.

Did you guys have a falling out at some point? I read that you were upset when Steve started emphasizing the Mac instead of the Apple II.

Well I had worked on the Mac. I believed in that technology so thoroughly. I saw it as Apple’s future. But I didn’t believe we should cut off the Apple II product line and stop mentioning it in public. The Apple II was the big cash cow. The Apple II people felt bad, but not me. However, I did speak out on their behalf. Steve didn’t talk to me personally about these issues. But he didn’t like what I was saying. The closest thing we ever had to an argument was when I left in 1985 to start a company to build a universal remote control. I went to Frog Design to do the design. Steve dropped in there one day and he saw what they were designing for me and he threw it against the wall and said they could not do any work for me. “Anything you do for Woz, belongs to me.” I was on my own, but I was still friendly with Apple. But Steve had a burst-out there. The people at Frog told me about it. That was the only time there was ever a fight between us, but it wasn’t actually between us. Nobody has ever seen us having an argument.

Were you still working together closely in 1985 when you left to create the new company?

We were much more distant by then. The first couple of years at Apple we were very close. But then Steve was the businessman at the top, and I was an engineer. We were in different parts of the company. We weren’t communicating much. We were different people by then.

But even after you left to start the new company you remained an Apple employee. You’re still an Apple employee today, right?

I get 200 bucks every two weeks. A tiny salary.

When did you first move out of the garage?

It turns out that from our Apple I sales in the garage and by not paying salaries to ourselves we had established a bank account with about $10,000, and that was enough to move to an office space in Cupertino. I think we moved in before we even got the initial investment funding from Mike Markkula. We had a few desks, and no walls. We hired a president, Mike Scott. I really liked Scotty. He could be stern and strict but he also had a light side. He took Apple to the IPO. You never hear about him, but boy he was so important. He created a manual that was just filled with all of my designs and information. I wanted it to go out with the computer. Steve Jobs thought I wanted the information out so people could use our computer, but no, I wanted the information out there so people could learn what computers were and how they were built. I can’t tell you how many times I run into CEOs and they tell me they went through that manual and learned it all and that is what brought them into computers. If we published taht manual today I don’t think Apple would let anything out that had all those little details.

What is the deal about Steve parking in handicapped spots? Was that true?

To me, I would just laugh and enjoy it as a joke. He was always flying around to buildings in his car and you know what it’s like when you can’t find a parking spot, so he would just drive up and pull in. There’s a story that someone once keyed his Mercedes at Apple so from then on he would park his car in a handicapped spot near a window so it was always being watched.

And what about him having a car with no license plate? How did he do that?

You can get a permit for that. Steve was always trying to be anonymous, and hidden. That’s the opposite of how I am. I don’t call reporters, but I don’t hide from people who I am. I get tons of email a day and I try to answer all of them.

Do you remember the first time you met Steve?

I took a year off from college to earn money for tuition. I was working as a programmer and I told the company that I knew how to design minicomputers. This exec said “If you can design one, we’ll get you the parts.” So I designed a very simple computer, and they got me the chips. I was working on it with a friend, Bill Fernandez. We were in his garage building this thing. Bill said “You should meet this guy Steve Jobs, he’s at our high school and he knows about this digital stuff. And he’s played some pranks too.” So Steve came over. We talked about what pranks we had done. Then we started talking about music. I was turned on to Dylan, reading the words and analyzing them. We agreed Dylan was more important than the Beatles because he had words that meant things. He was serious. He was not just about enjoyment. We started going to Dylan concerts together. We would go through music stores looking for Dylan bootlegs. We found some pamphlets with Dylan interviews, and then we drove down to Santa Cruz to meet the guy who wrote the pamphlets. He showed us some rare pictures of Dylan and we listened to some rare music of Dylan.

Steve’s lifestyle was the young hippie who has nothing, who is getting by on almost zero dollars. I always had a job, always had money. But I admired everything I read about the hippies. This was the Vietnam War days. I became distrustful of authority. That matched the hippie philosophy of Steve. We admired the students who were protesting. We had a lot in common. People think we were way different but not really. With Steve, maturity came to him, but less maturity came to me in my life. He took on the responsibilities of business. I always wanted to be a young person. I wanted the fun in life forever. When you die you should die happy. For some people that’s all about making a business success, tangling with people, yelling at them on the phone, that’s what makes them happy. Steve was a more serious capable disciplined person. I’m still young and undisciplined. I have a lot of fun.

Do you think Steve died happy?

Of course! If he were to sit back and say, “When I was young, what was my dream in the world,” well he achieved that 100 times over. I think Steve when he was away from Apple he was unhappy but obviously he died happy. I think he died mature and cognizant and aware. I think you are lucky when you have time to see it coming. You can make sure you go out with the right things done.

Will you go to the funeral?

I don’t know about it yet. I haven’t been informed. Will Steve Jobs even have one? Is he the kind of person who would have one? I haven’t seen him for many years. Just phone calls here and there. I don’t know if I was the right person in that crowd. We had an unbelievably important relationship. I never said anything bad about Steve. We never had a fight. Not in person, between us. One time we disagreed when I was designing the Apple II and I wanted eight slots and he wanted only two slots and I said, “Well go get another computer.” My design was good and those slots turned out to be an unbelievable part of the Apple II’s success.

What happened to Steve during the years when he was thrown out of Apple that made him such a great CEO when he came back?

I think Steve learned a lot of discipline. Not just personal discipline but discipline for the company, how to make sure the company met its goals. When he left Apple he was still just flying around believing in his own directions but ignoring the directions of other people. When he left Apple he some quiet words for me. He told me he was going to start this other company because he felt his purpose in life was to create great computers.

Years later, after Pixar came out with “Toy Story,” Steve told me that all these others were making animated movies but what matters is whether the story is any good. The problem is you don’t really know which one is the good one. But he knew. That’s the vision thing. There is some very different genius involved in having everything a home run out of Pixar. I don’t know everyone is talking about “Apple, Apple, Apple,” after Steve’s demise, because Pixar is another one. And it’s a whole diferent realm. I always liked the comparison of Steve to Disney more so than to Edison.

What was Steve’s biggest strength?

Everyone else will say vision, and gosh darn that’s important but that doesn’t go anywhere without operational discipline. Steve once told me that Apple only lost money when they built junk. It was his focus on good products that I believe was the biggest thing. All we have to do is make great products. If you have a big market. Apple had millions of fans, such a huge user base. Another strength was that he came back and put together a new board of directors. He organized the company to have good tight controls. Watching everything he could — that is operational excellence. Lots of CEOs just look at little points of data and make a decision. Steve was so much more than that. It’s rare. It does take a lot of work and time. I always felt bad setting up even a lunch with him, because he must have been the busiest person in the world.

Did you talk to Walter Isaacson for the biography of Steve?

I got a call from someone writing a book about Steve Jobs, saying it was an official book, but I turned him down. I didn’t want to talk about Steve. I was afraid he wouldn’t want it. So I never spoke to Walter for the book. I feel so bad about that. Then again, so much stuff that I’ve said is already out in the public.

[zz]

Steve Jobs - Atari enployee #40

Steve Jobs was called many things during his tragically short life -- innovator, entrepreneur, leader, father -- but back when he showed up at the Los Gatos doorstep of arcade game leader Atari in May of 1974, he was an unwashed, bearded college dropout more interested in scoring some acid than changing the world.

As Atari alumni and Pong engineer Al Alcorn tells it, it was a pretty typical day at the company's then-modest warehouse digs -- walls lined with Pong and Pong-like cabinets, barefoot technicians reeking of pot after some early afternoon hot boxing -- when personnel handler Penny Chapler came into his office.

"We've got this kid in the lobby," Alcorn recalls her saying. "He's either got something or is a crackpot."

By this time Alcorn was used to unkempt guys wandering into the office looking to make some bread. In the greater Los Gatos area, engineers saw Atari as the cool place to work: there was no dress code, your bosses didn't care what you did in your offtime, and working on games was way better than the televisions and industrial equipment you might touch your soldering iron to at other companies. 

"He was this real scuzzy kid," Alcorn once told video game historian Steven Kent. "I think I said, 'We should either call the cops or we should talk to him.' So I talked to him."

Jobs had no real engineering experience to bring to the table. He had a small amount of education from Reed College, but it was in a completely unrelated major, and he had dropped out early. But he had a way with words, seemed to have a passion for technology, and probably lied about having worked at Hewlett-Packard.

"I figured, this guy's gotta be cheap, man. He really doesn't have much skills at all," Alcorn remembers. "So I figured I'd hire him."

A Diet Of Air And Water

Jobs was hired as Atari employee #40, as a technician fixing up and tweaking circuit board designs. One of his first roles was finishing the technical design of Touch Me, a simple arcade memory game similar to Ralph Baer's later Simon toy. He more than likely helped out on other games that year, such as racer Gran Trak 20 and the odd experiment Puppy Pong.

But the young, abrasive Jobs didn't fit in. As the various stories go, complaints ranged from poor hygiene to an abrasive attitude to strange dietary habits.

"He says if I pass out, just push me onto the workbench. Don't call 911 or anything. I'm on this new diet of just air and water," Alcorn recently recalled (though the story sometimes involves a jar of cranberry juice).

Though he didn't have much personal interaction with him at the time, Atari co-founder Nolan Bushnell remembers the young Jobs as a "brilliant, curious and aggressive" young man, though very abrasive as well. Though Jobs would come to be praised as a brash, firm leader, at 18 this quality manifested itself in a negative way, making several enemies at the company by openly mocking them and treating them like they were idiots. Despite this, he was a promising employee, so Atari found a way to keep him on board.

"I always felt to run a good company you had to have room for everybody -- you could always figure out a way to make room for smart people," Bushnell recently recalled. "So, we decided to have a night shift in engineering -- he was the only one in it."

Spiritual Research

After about five or six months of saving money and working the night shift (often inviting friend, collaborator and eventual Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak into the office to help him with engineering challenges), Jobs approached Alcorn to let him know he was quitting the company to go to India, meet his guru, and conduct what he referred to as "spiritual research."

Alcorn turned his trip into an opportunity for the company: Atari's German distributors were having trouble assembling the games due to a problem with the country's incompatible power supplies. It was a relatively simple fix, but Alcorn's attempts to troubleshoot long-distance were proving fruitless. He needed someone out there to show them how to fix the problem.

"I said Steve I'll cut you a deal. I'll give you a one-way ticket to Germany -- it's gotta be cheaper to get to India from Germany than it is from here -- if you'll do a day or two of work over in Germany for me," Alcorn recently recalled.

As it turned out it would have been cheaper to fly out of California, but they didn't know that at the time, so Jobs accepted. He flew out and though he was able to fix the problem, it wasn't a joyous business trip for either party involved: vegetarian Jobs struggled to eat in the "meat and potatoes" country, and Atari's German distributors didn't know what to make of the odd foreigner.

"He wasn't dressed appropriately, he didn't behave appropriately," Alcorn remembers. "The Germans were horrified at this."

From there, Jobs went on to India as planned (there do not appear to be any historical accounts of what exactly he did during his trip, though "backpacking" and "acid" are common words used by those who have recounted it). He returned to Atari several months later with a shaved head, saffron robes, and a copy of Be Here Now for Alcorn, asking for his old job back.

"Apparently, he had hepatitis or something and had to get out of India before he died," Alcorn told historian Steven Kent. "I put him to work again. That's when the famous story about Breakout took place."

Jobs and Woz Break Out

As the story goes, Atari suddenly found itself facing competition in the arcade video game industry it created, most of it from former Atari engineers who struck out on their own, stolen parts and plans in tow. No longer able to survive on various iterations of Pong, the company designed a single-player game called Breakout, which saw players bouncing a ball vertically to destroy a series of bricks at the top of the screen.

The game was prototyped, though the number of TTL chips used would have made manufacturing expensive. The company offered a bounty to whoever was up to the task of reducing its chip count: the exact numbers seem to have become muddled throughout history, but the general consensus among those who are there said that the company offered $100 for each chip successfully removed from the design, with a bonus if the total chip count went below a certain number. The young Jobs, who in retrospect comes across as an excellent liar, somehow won the bid for the project.

"Jobs never did a lick of engineering in his life. He had me snowed," Alcorn later recalled. "It took years before I figured out that he was getting Woz to 'come in the back door' and do all the work while he got the credit."

Jobs convinced Wozniak to work on the game during his day job at Hewlett-Packard, when he was meant to be designing calculators. At night the two would collaborate on building it at Atari: Wozniak as engineer, Jobs as breadboarder and tester.

Allegedly, Jobs told Wozniak that he could have half of a $700 bounty if they were able to get the chip count under 50 (typical games of the day tended to require around 100 chips). After four sleepless days that gave both of them a case of mono (an artificial time limit, it turns out: Jobs had a plane to catch, Atari wasn't in that much of a rush), the brilliantly gifted Wozniak delivered a working board with just 46 chips.

Jobs made good on his promise and gave Wozniak his promised $350. What he didn't tell him -- and what Wozniak didn't find out until several years later -- was that Jobs also pocketed a bonus somewhere in the neighborhood of $5,000. Though it's often reported that this caused a rift in their friendship, Wozniak seems to have no hard feelings.

"The money's irrelevant -- and it was then. I would have done it for free," he said in a recent interview. "I was happy to be able to design a video game that people would actually play. I think Steve needed money and just didn't tell me the truth. If he'd told me the truth, he'd have gotten it."

The Forbidden Fruit

As this was going on, Jobs and Wozniak were designing a personal home computer during their offtime, which would eventually become the Apple I. Even Alcorn himself got involved, unofficially.

"I helped them with parts, I helped them design it. It was a cool engineering project, but it seemed [like it would] make no money," he recalled.

"He offered the Apple II to Atari ... we said no. No thank you. But I liked him. He was a nice guy. So I introduced him to venture capitalists."

Jobs and Atari soon parted ways, and Apple Computer was formed on April 1, 1976. The rest, as they say, is history.

[zz]

An extraordinary human being

A sad day! What a life, what a story. Thanks for the inspirations. Thanks for the legacies.

On hearing the news, my 7-year-old son asked, "does he have children? They must be very sad now.". God bless them.

Rest in peace, Mr Jobs. May God bless your soul.

reclaim unallocated usb space

cmd:

diskpart
list disk
select disk <0...9>
clean
create partition primary

Dementia is not a normal aging process, but a disease

In 1976, neurologist Robert Katzmann suggested a link between "senile dementia" and Alzheimer's disease.^[5] Katzmann suggested that much of the senile dementia occurring (by definition) after the age of 65, was pathologically identical with Alzheimer's disease occurring before age 65 and therefore should not be treated differently. He noted that the fact the "senile dementia" was not considered a disease, but rather part of aging, and this fact was keeping millions of aged patients with what otherwise was identical with Alzheimer's disease, from being diagnosed as having a disease process, rather than simply considered as aging normally.^[6] Katzmann thus suggested that Alzheimer's disease, if taken to occur over age 65, is actually common, not rare, and was the 4th or 5th leading cause of death, even though rarely being reported on death certificates in 1976.

This suggestion opened the view that dementia is never normal, and must always be the result of a particular disease process, and is not part of the normal healthy aging process,per se. The ensuing debate led for a time to the proposed disease diagnosis of "senile dementia of the Alzheimer's type" (SDAT) in persons over the age of 65, with "Alzheimer's disease" diagnosed in persons younger than 65 who had the same pathology. Eventually, however, it was agreed that the age limit was artificial, and that Alzheimer's disease was the appropriate term for persons with the particular brain pathology seen in this disease, regardless of the age of the sufferer. A helpful finding was that although the incidence of Alzheimer's disease increased with age (from 5-10% of 75 year olds to as many as 40-50% of 90 year olds), there was no age at which all persons developed it, so it was not an inevitable consequence of aging, no matter how great an age a person attained.

[from wikipedia]

tithing in new testament era

Malachi 3:10 「萬 軍 之 耶 和 華 說 、 你 們 要 將 當 納 的 十 分 之 一 、 全 然 送 入 倉 庫 、 使 我 家 有 糧 、 以 此 試 試 我 、 是 否 為 你 們 敞 開 天 上 的 窗 戶 、 傾 福 與 你 們 、 甚 至 無 處 可 容 。」

有人說新約時代的奉獻標準是「甘心樂意」的奉獻，不必拘泥於十分之一的舊約標準。這話聽起來似乎不無道理。勉強奉獻不討神喜悅，吃力又不討好，還是不做為佳。正因如此，新約強調的是「甘心樂意」，而不是「十分之一」。然而，這僅僅是一方面而已。我們常常忽略了另一個方面，就是神所預備的祝福。基督來原是成全律法而不是廢去律法。換言之，舊約雖「舊」但不「廢」。基督又為信他的人承擔了犯罪的咒詛（太3：13），所以我們遵循律法不再是出於懼怕違反的後果。既然神的律法沒有廢去，「十分之一」就依然是我們「當納的」一份。既然神的應許依然不變，十一奉獻的人必然會經歷到神從天上傾倒下來的福氣，而且豐富得「甚至無處可容」。不信你也來試試看？

還有的人說，我現在經濟能力不好，或是目前需要比較大，實在做不到「十一奉獻」，等以後條件改善了再說吧。記得聽過類似以下的話：如果一個人在他月薪三百的時候不「十一奉獻」，那麼他即使月入三百萬也還是不會「十一奉獻」。

「十一奉獻」不應處於勉強或懼怕，但卻是信心增長很重要的一步。這一步邁出去了，前面還有「五一」，「二一」，甚至「傾其所有、盡其所能」的境界！

生命導師與靈命成長

生命導師與靈命成長

蘇文峰 口述 談 妮 訪錄、整理

編按：生命導師（Mentor），自80年代開始，即在西方神學教育中引起廣泛的關注，成為“領導學”（Leadership）中的一個學術議題。其實，這種一對一傳承的形態，在中西歷史中一直存在。本刊48期《基督徒的品格塑造》一文中（作者祝健，p. 10），就提到中國教會在這方面的個人見證與需要。

本《舉目》50期特別就“生命導師”這個主題，請海外校園總幹事蘇文峰牧師現身說法，講述他在人生的不同階段中，所受到的生命榜樣的影響。

導師在中國古已有之

中國在文化傳統中，歷來存在著“導師”的概念。比如教導學童識字、做人的啟蒙老師。成年人也會在專業、學術或政治前途方面擇師追隨，並按照導師的思想、哲理、價值觀、治學方法等，形成門派。如：孔子有72弟子，而孟子據說很可能是孔子的再傳弟子，所以能將孔子的學說融會貫通，發展成儒家。至宋明理學，更是將儒家心性之道發揚光大。

相比於孔子，老子因為沒有嫡傳弟子，因此道家在中國的發展就缺乏統一的傳承。

其他宗教也有導師傳承的觀念，如禪宗。
　　
權力倫理化，倫理權力化

過去，以農業為本的封建社會，加上儒家思想的倫理觀念，中國就出現了“權力倫理化、倫理權力化”的現象。如：地方官員“縣太爺”，被稱為“父母官”。皇帝，被認為是“萬民之父，上天之子”。這些都是“權力倫理化”的結果。

權力一旦被倫理化後，人就無法挑戰其權威，必須畢恭畢敬、絕對服從。例子之一，就是中國古代的父母有無限的權威，如果違背父母的意願行事，不論是在婚姻上還是工作上，都是不孝，為大逆。

同樣，“一日為師，終身為父”，導師一旦等同於父親的地位，學生也只有服從的份兒了。

基督徒若不自覺地帶著這種概念進入教會，亦會認為，若是挑戰、質疑、不敬或違逆牧長等有“屬靈權柄”的人，就是“不尊重神的僕人”。不尊重神的僕人，就等同於“不尊重神”。卻忽略了在聖經的詩歌、智慧書中，即使是神，也容許人對祂發怨言，在激動時渲洩自己的情感，待走過低谷後重建信心與盼望，在掙扎後以讚美來順服。這與 “權力倫理化”所帶來的後果——壓抑性的絕對順服，或是激烈的反抗，是大相迥異的。

信徒若帶著“屬靈權柄倫理化”的眼鏡，來看、來找生命導師，就會期望導師像神那般完美。抱著這種不切實際的期望，如何可能找到導師？就算找到了，最終也必然失望。

我的成長與生命榜樣

我是典型的台灣第三代基督徒，父母親都來自繁枝茂葉的基督徒家族，這與劉富理牧師、陳宗清牧師、王守仁牧師等都頗為相似。因此，成長環境雖然不富裕，但深廣的基督徒家庭關係，卻令我充滿了安全感，也令我容易找到能建立個別關係的生命榜樣。

就屬靈成熟度而言，我的生命榜樣可粗分為3類：屬靈的長輩、兄姐和同伴。

屬靈的長輩
　　　
* 長老會中的長輩
我人生的第一個屬靈影響，來自家庭的長老會背景。長老會於1865 年在台灣正式成立，到我父親那一代，雖然已不似早期，在神學上屬於很純正的改革宗，卻業已形成濃厚的基督教文化氣息。

在宣教學的研究中發現：第一代信福音的，多半是普通的百姓；第二代，開始大量成為社會精英；第三代則形成基督教的文化，在社會中是紳士的傳承。

我幼時在教會中遇到的長輩，許多是留學歐美的，在藝術、醫學、法律，以及為人處事等各方面學養俱佳。他們讓我看到“基督徒紳士”的形象（Once a Christian, always a gentleman）。

* 杜聯光教士
第二個對我產生很大影響的，是杜聯光教士。她原是宋尚節佈道團的同工，對我父母的靈性幫助極大。她注重認罪、悔改與查經，不但要人對神要逐項、徹底的認罪，而且也要對人認罪，並給出適當的賠償。

她的查經法雖然不合西方解經學的原則，卻能一年讀好幾遍聖經，並將新舊約密切聯結。我的母親每天早上5點去參加她的查經。等我們起床準備上學的時候，母親已經查完經回來了。

杜教士每週到教會講道前，先跪下來禱告；任何人要跟她講話之前，也要先跪下來認罪。因此我小的時候，看到她如見神人。雖然這種恭敬，來自“權力倫理化”的誤認，但我確實從這位女教士的身上，學會什麼是“敬虔”——這是中國教會重要的屬靈傳統。

* 內地會宣教士
第三個對我產生很大影響的，是屬靈傳承自內地會的校園團契。內地會持守的原則，是信心差會、超宗派。內地會招收同工的時候，不看其神學宗派背景，而看此人是否愛中國，願意在中國服事，能否犧牲生命、家庭都在所不惜。這是以使命、宣教為導向，而非以神學路線為導向。

內地會極注重個人的生命品格。我當時所接觸到的內地會宣教士，有很多是時代主義者（Dispensationalism），受亞米念、弟兄會、約翰·衛斯理的影響。許多人未必會同意他們的神學，但他們生命的成熟度，為主的全然擺上，對人的謙卑，是非常值得我們學習的。

他們沒有種族優越感，他們是真僕人，以道成肉身的心志，和當地人過同樣的生活，尊重所服事地區的文化、領導權，不介入糾紛。

他們開創的工作，如學生團契，待本地的同工成熟後，就將所有的資源交出，不認為“這是我們內地會的工作或財產”。不論是事工、資料、地產，全部交給當地的同工，然後再去開拓新的、本地無人進行的事工。

台灣的內地會宣教士，在50年代就開始做學生工作。一俟培養出李秀全、林靜芝、饒孝楫、陳鐳、陳騮等第一代同工 ，於1957年成立校園團契之後，他們就留下所有的資源，自學生工作中撤身。

我因地緣關係，較深接觸的是艾得理、魏德凱與繆學理3位牧師。每年夏令會，還會遇到講員韓寶璉教士。我從他們身上學習最多的，是屬靈的品格。

* 張明哲校長
我大學畢業後，於1970年加入校園團契，成為全時間同工。那時影響我最深的，是蘇恩佩與張明哲。蘇恩佩姐妹在文字工作上給我許多指點，但最令我佩服的，還是她的屬靈品格。
張明哲教授則如校園團契的大家長。他對我們的品格，有非常嚴格的要求，譬如：他責備我們因為帶領學生、被尊稱“哥哥、姐姐”，而“驕傲起來了”，警告我們不要注重自己的表現，要注重自己內在生命的實質。

張明哲教授的口才不算好，但他在教課過程中，清晰地表明他的思想：生命—生活—工作，即：生命為基礎，落實在生活中，有好的生活見證，才有資格來談事奉。這是校園團契重要的屬靈原則。沒有生活上的見證，表示生命有問題；只注重事奉而缺少生命的成長，這種事奉是空的。

張教授影響了很多人，對我也常有指導。1973年，我赴美受訓，臨行前，張教授特別提醒我：“你才事奉3年，靈性不夠成熟。現在去美國，回來之後會更驕傲，以為自己懂得比別人多。要記得，事奉主重要的是柔和謙卑，而不是有多少技巧或經歷。”我那時不懂，如今才稍有瞭解。

張明哲在臺北，以及後來移民美國舊金山灣區後，都曾經每月一次，開放他的家，以圍爐座談的形式，和年輕人一起，針對某一個主題，例如一種音樂，一個思潮，一本書，一個新的科技趨勢、科學發現等，進行交流。

這有點類似薛華（Francis Schaeffer）上一世紀在瑞士的L'Abri community（庇蔭所），世界各地的人都前來參加，住在那裡一段時期，每晚到薛華家，談神學、思想、藝術等。

馬丁·路德每天晚餐的時候，也呼朋喚友。他的餐桌非常大，吃飯時，大家一起談各種議題，如宗教改革、教義，甚至新發表的詩。這些交談集結出書，稱為Table Talk。這個詞後來成為了專有名詞，意為“智者的話”。這也改變了當時家庭生活的拘謹、安靜、嚴肅，使吃飯時間成為社交、溝通、交流的時間。

* 邵遵瀾弟兄
另一位對我影響很大的是邵遵瀾，他來自聚會所背景卻能超越之，校園團契常請他來講道。因此，我有機會與他相處。

一次召開臺北市學生佈道大會，我任籌備會的主席，他是講員，所以我們有特別的同工關係。他的長處是特別善於表達，具體、直接而清晰。我的講道因此受益良多。例如，他評論我的講道像“白開水”，雖然很健康，但沒有味道。他不但提醒我講道要有味道，也要懂得如何收尾，好像一個包袱，若沒有在尾端打結，就會散了。

* 何廣明弟兄
第四位屬靈長輩是何廣明。何廣明與邵遵瀾、林三綱、史伯誠，都是新聚會所的。他也是校園團契常請的講員，每次都是講同一個主題：如何讀聖經。

他不僅是講，凡是願意跟著他學習的，他都盯著，認真、細膩地要求讀經和背經。比方說，那時他將四福音書影印之後，以手工剪貼，把福音書內同樣內容的敘述放在一起，後來因此出版了一本四福音合參書。

* 林芸伍姐妹
還有位姐妹林芸伍（Ada Lum）， 是夏威夷長大的華裔美人。是她將歸納法查經帶進了校園團契，訓練了團契的最初幾代同工。

我與這些屬靈長輩，相處的時間都不太長，譬如，與何廣明相處是在大學時期，與張明哲是我全職服事的頭5年及1990年代，杜聯光是在小學，魏德凱是初中、高中的時候，艾得理是在1970-1980年之間，蘇恩佩是我上大學的1965-1969年之間。但他們在我各個人生階段，給予了極深的引導。

屬靈的兄姐

* 哥哥
我的兩位哥哥，算是我最早的屬靈“兄姐”。他們固定參加聚會，認真參與事奉。

大哥很能照顧弟妹，並將父母的意思清楚傳達。他不但品學兼優，而且人緣極佳，弟弟、妹妹都仰慕、依賴他。

我的二哥，除了成績特別傑出外，還是校際演講代表，作文常常是其他學生的範本，而且事親至孝。

* 蕭奕雄
第二個是大學學長蕭奕雄。我們台大校園團契有很好的學長制度：四年級的學生，帶一年級的同性新生，每週見一次，交換靈修心得，以及讀書、事奉、交友各方面的問題和想法。

大一時帶我的學長，是大四的蕭奕雄。每週我們一起在食堂吃一次中飯，一起交通和禱告。他對我最大的影響，是使我懂得了，我們應當一方面品學兼優，一方面積極服事，準備將來以全人奉獻、全時間服事的心志，作各行各業的基督徒。這是當時在團契中，蔚為風氣的普遍心態。

另一個影響，是使我懂得了要過有計劃的大學生活：不但學業如此，還要有計劃地讀經、事奉與操練恩賜。如大一時要參與兒童事工，大二作團契文書或靈修，大三成為團契的負責同工，大四作門徒帶領。我就此學習到如何做他人的兄長。

* 李秀全、林靜芝
第三個是李秀全。他長我約8歲。我初中的時候，在夏令會上認識了他。我進台大時，他正好是團契的輔導，約我每週見一次，談生活、事奉、讀經各種心得。

他對我最大的影響，是改變我內向的性格。我一直自認個子小、在家裡不顯眼，又是從台灣南部考到首善之區的臺北，多少有些自卑。李秀全鼓勵我要外向、要勇於面對公眾、要主動、要操練恩賜……

李秀全的妻子林靜芝，是當時校園團契的女同工的楷模。她漂亮、能幹、個性堅韌、抗壓強，是校園團契同工中，第一個做母親後還繼續服事的。她能寫、能講、能做，且對丈夫順服，成為許多姐妹服事、效法的當然標準。

她對我妻子鄭期英的影響極深。期英的個性也是不外向的，但而今也很自然地能寫、能講、能做，能堅韌地承受各種壓力，竭誠為主，注重靈修，是上帝賜給我的屬靈同伴和同工。
　　　
屬靈的同伴

屬靈同伴是年齡相近的屬靈朋友，會彼此規勸、交流、代禱。屬靈朋友不等同於屬靈同工。同工是一起工作的，但不一定是朋友。不過，那時我們有一句話：“讓你的同工成為朋友，讓你的朋友成為同工。”朋友是可以坦誠相對、推心置腹的，知道彼此的優、缺點，並完全接納，同哭同笑，不帶目的地來往。

從那時到現在已經40餘年，當時的朋友到現在還是朋友。即使不常見面，但默契仍在，就像從未分開，仍然會彼此規勸、交流、代禱。比如：彭動平、王禮平、蘇桂村、張拯民、熊璩、莊祖鯤、宋斦賢、劉良淑、陳秀足、彭懷冰……

結論

我們過去的生活方式，不像21世紀這般快速、複雜。今日要尋找能建立個人關係的生命榜樣，最大的難度是時間與生活方式上的彼此配合。信徒若能找到屬靈的生命導師，是幸運的。然而，不要期望能找到一位全方位的導師，或是像過去師傅帶領徒弟般的屬靈導師。比較實際的，是在某個階段，在某一方面，找到一位生命導師，或是兄姐，或是同伴。

由於人都不完全，若長期只跟隨某一位生命導師，可能會比較狹窄。與生命導師密集的關係，最好有一個期限。

如果有生命榜樣，人的成長較順暢，不易走彎路，可以少犯錯誤。以我為例，眾多優秀的生命榜樣，使得我在家庭婚姻、為人子女等方面，都沒有太大的困擾，可以較專心事奉，不為其他的事物分心。

如果跟隨生命導師，則容易受某種門派、思想的影響和限制，所以當事人必須懂得分辨和超越來自屬靈導師的影響。如奧古斯丁，他受老師安波若流（Ambrose）的影響，採取百花之長，再融會貫通，將初代教會的精華融合整理，成為今日基督教教義神學的重要基礎。

屬靈生命的成長是沒有公式的。有沒有生命導師的帶領，都不保證生命必定成長，或成長為什麼樣的人，神對每個人的帶領是不一樣的。

若有人不曾遇見生命導師的幫助，可以自我勉勵，成為他人的生命導師。有生命導師者，會在屬靈的成長上相對順利；沒有者，雖然從表面上看，要經過較多的掙扎，但我們憑信心知道，神讓萬事互相效力，叫愛神的人都得到大益處。


受訪者為海外校園總幹事，畢業於富勒神學院，蒙召全職作文字事工與學生事工逾40年。
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